I've had the desire to let loose on pages, or in this case, keyboards, but these words fall short when I try to describe what's been ailing me lately. Maybe it's because I can't quite pinpoint what's wrong. I suppose I just feel sick, in every aspect of the word. Physically, Spiritually, Emotionally.
Physical illness I can only nurture so much. I suppose sneaking a pint of rum into our Indiana Jones screening this afternoon isn't the best idea, but it feels like i've been cooped up for weeks trying to nurse myself back to health. The ear infection that manfested on Sunday has definitely retreated, although my ear is still bleeding which is pretty freakin' gross. I've still got the sniffles and I cough every now and again, but I seem to be doing better.
Emotionally, I'm not quite sure where I'm at. I'm a confused, conflicted little girl, as usual. I took a step that I felt was absolutely necessary in terms of the relationship that I once had. It's come to my attention that these rose colored glasses were FINALLY removed, and I really wasn't getting the attention, affection, and love that I wanted/deserved. So, as awesome he really was, i'm still saying 'Peace'. I'm still left without closure though, because the connection between him and I was so fluid- flowing between positives and negatives without any concrete emotions or reactions attatched to it. I was probably just taking it more seriously than he was, for the second time. And, That's Okay. I loved, was loved in return, but this story can't continue at this point in both of our lives. [[insert big sigh here]] It's time for me to finally understand what it is that I want to offer, as a person, as a Woman, as a Lover. I really need to find someone that can see me for all that I am without me having to remind them of what it is that I do or stand for.
When it comes to spirituality, there's an even larger "?" hanging over my head. I've seen what exists and I've folded these fingers around a rosary but something's lacking now, and I cant help but feel like my search for sensuality is blinding me. I don't know how to fix this one. I can't stand the hipocracy of the church or the boring ass services, I don't find meaning in prayers and meditation requires time and patience, and I don't have much of either. I dont know where this dissatisfaction came from, nor do i understand from whence it came.
Ok. I'm done feeling sorry for myself and I've managed to squeeze out enough words to gain some perspective.
until next time. Hopefully i'll have these pieces picked up and placed together already!
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