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Time:01:02 am
I've had the desire to let loose on pages, or in this case, keyboards, but these words fall short when I try to describe what's been ailing me lately. Maybe it's because I can't quite pinpoint what's wrong. I suppose I just feel sick, in every aspect of the word. Physically, Spiritually, Emotionally.

Physical illness I can only nurture so much. I suppose sneaking a pint of rum into our Indiana Jones screening this afternoon isn't the best idea, but it feels like i've been cooped up for weeks trying to nurse myself back to health. The ear infection that manfested on Sunday has definitely retreated, although my ear is still bleeding which is pretty freakin' gross. I've still got the sniffles and I cough every now and again, but I seem to be doing better.

Emotionally, I'm not quite sure where I'm at. I'm a confused, conflicted little girl, as usual. I took a step that I felt was absolutely necessary in terms of the relationship that I once had. It's come to my attention that these rose colored glasses were FINALLY removed, and I really wasn't getting the attention, affection, and love that I wanted/deserved. So, as awesome he really was, i'm still saying 'Peace'. I'm still left without closure though, because the connection between him and I was so fluid- flowing between positives and negatives without any concrete emotions or reactions attatched to it. I was probably just taking it more seriously than he was, for the second time. And, That's Okay. I loved, was loved in return, but this story can't continue at this point in both of our lives. [[insert big sigh here]] It's time for me to finally understand what it is that I want to offer, as a person, as a Woman, as a Lover. I really need to find someone that can see me for all that I am without me having to remind them of what it is that I do or stand for.

When it comes to spirituality, there's an even larger "?" hanging over my head. I've seen what exists and I've folded these fingers around a rosary but something's lacking now, and I cant help but feel like my search for sensuality is blinding me. I don't know how to fix this one. I can't stand the hipocracy of the church or the boring ass services, I don't find meaning in prayers and meditation requires time and patience, and I don't have much of either. I dont know where this dissatisfaction came from, nor do i understand from whence it came.

Ok. I'm done feeling sorry for myself and I've managed to squeeze out enough words to gain some perspective.
Goodnight.

until next time. Hopefully i'll have these pieces picked up and placed together already!
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Time:01:23 am
drunk. Holla!


Can't wait to rest my little head after a day like today. Worked from 11a-9:45p but that's a story in itself- far too detailed to get into yet again. A beer at the bar turned into shots, which then turned into beer and a blunt session in Fremont. Tomorrow brings another opening session at work but a beautiful day of sunshine and good vibes... which will hopefully turn into a night of hallucinations and revelations.

really, what else is to be expected?
I honestly cannot remember the last time I was looking forward to a Monday.
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Subject:..changes..
Time:01:32 am
I had forgotten the phrase that someone had slipped into my brain a while ago.

Change is just another term for growth.

And as my life is changing, more rapidly as these days blur by, I'm presented with all these opportunities to expand my abilities in an effort to create a better person. Better. Faster. More Productive.

but there are things that I am going without at the moment- there is a love that i'd like to fully explore, in a conventional way of speaking, but there's a maturity inside calming this alarmed girl that dwells within, quelling the side driven to sin.

fantasy and reality lie too far apart.



arlkjdoiwa vhasdlkfjiehvnswdcvnsa,dkfhoiwhaevn
when will i speak with you again?
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Time:11:28 pm
recently i've had a rush of drunken dreams.
And they're slightly lucid, in a sense that I realize that they're dreams as I'm dreaming but haven't yet managed to make myself control all that's going on.
Interesting, nonetheless.

There are so many aspects to the two that even if I could remember them all, it would be irritating and mundane to read all those details. But in my dream, I located a church that made me think, "Oh, THAT's why they call it Heaven." Towering above me was an impressive marble castle emitting light at the top. Stately, Strong, Enlightening, almost. These rays shone so brightly against the ominous clouds and even as I looked up, in my dream world, I got dizzy.

I stood on the floor, in the midst of a maze of waist high walls made of burgundy brick, with pyramid formations and ramps and steps everywhere. I seemed to float above them, and lept from brick formation to brick formation, taking note of the rain that had begun to fall, and the eventual torrents that began to pool around the shoulder high pyramids.

EDIT at 4:48am, January 21

The rain continued it's downfall, and soon the brick pathways resembling wheelchair ramps were rushing with walls of water- I leap from location to location, trying to avoid being washed away. I slip, once, and find my view skewed, as if I was looking at the world while lying on my side (which technically, since i was sleeping, I was). But while I expected to feel a certain sense of cold, from splashing into the water, I found myself peculiarly aware of
the lack of water on my body. Undeterred, I manage to will myself upright, and float on.

I'm not much of an artist, but I just wish I could somehow articulate what this building looked like. There was a brick building, about a block long and something ridiculous like 20 stories high. Rising from the center of the building, as something of a second tier, bricks and blank windows rose almost as high as the eye could see. And above? A beautiful marble facade, same size and shape and orientation as the brick below, topped off with something that looked like the Ferry Building in SF or City Hall. From the ornate, gold guilded and rounded top of the building, resting peacefully on tall pillars, a light shone through, piercing the menacing grey that had covered the normally blue sky.

I can view this two ways, really. The first, an unofficial self-analyzation, can be interpreted that the building is my life. Brick, a common yet sturdy material, has laid the foundation for the water to rain upon. The various choices and situations i've made and had myself involved in can easily be represented by the various canals, ramps, and waist-high walls and pyramids I've found myself dancing upon. The rain and wind, obvious elements in life= the current situation, and future changes (Which i really know I am going to be going through). Marble, clean, smooth and pristine, is the idyllic life representing serenity in it's infinite whiteness, infinite elegance. And the top? The light shining through from the base of the building radiating out as far as the eye would allow? Well, that's the very essence of me, from the bottom, straight to the top, breaking up grey days. If this interpretation is valid (as all interpretations are, right?), then it's obvious that I have some work ahead of me. I'm only at the bottom, struggling to keep from being washed away, still trying to find my ability to fly before I can reach the palace I've dreamed of. "Oh, so THAT's what they call Heaven."

The second is your typical online Dream Dictionary. I'm not all that smart, I can't figure out most things without some help. Brick, according to

http://dream.dictionary-dream.info

indicates unsettled business and disagreements in love affairs. Magnificent buildings signify long lives of plenty, while the tower is representative of high elevations, of my aspiration. Climbing one indicates success. Torrents, however, denote "unusual trouble and anxiety". Marble seems to have significant ties with monetary needs/gains/losses. Dreaming of floating, supposedly, indicates the eventual victory over seemingly overwhelming obstacles. Dreaming of light indicates success, but the lighthouse-esque fashion of it's emanation could also be representative of difficulties and grief that will eventually disperse to make room for prosperity and happiness. To dream of light, despite it beign against an ominous and cloudy sky (no real interpretation needed for that one) indicates that success will attend me.
Sweet.


Ok forrealz. It's 5:45am and after a long night of Sailor Jerry's, a bum-status Breakfast and lunch, Blue Man Group, and then a 4 hour long Dance Party at the Bullard house, it's about time for some rest.

Sorry this post was like eighty years long.
I'm too damn lazy to LJ cut.
Sweet Dreams!
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Time:04:55 pm
growing up is a lot of things, I know this.

but will someone, anyone, please convince me that growing apart isn't part of this?

I miss You.
and that's one, really large, collective "you".

do you remember the time?
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Time:12:33 am
For a while there, I was really good at going with the flow. You know, understanding things and why they happened, and even if I didn't, I was good at waiting it out, knowing that understanding would come eventually. And i dont really know how i let that slip out of my grasp, but i find myself turning to the "fun" things in life, like weed and booze, hoping it'll bring back that mindset. I mean, I was so ignorant of life and how it worked going into it, maybe dumbing myself down again will work a second time.

but that's not the way it goes.

I'm just tripped up, and I know it. The conversations I'm still able to sustain are just as strong, if not stronger than before, and I'm anxious to get back into it. but, paaaaatience, young grasshopper.
everything will fall into place as it's supposed to, when it's supposed to.

I'm sure there are lessons to be learned while I'm back at home, too.
But it just sucks, everything that I had vowed to improve my life on at the old apartment, before the move, involved organization and cleanliness and order in life... And now that I'm at home, even if I can manage to organize, clean, and get my shit in order, there's still the rest of the shit in the house. My mom is probably more of a pack-rat, more scatter-brained, and more messy than I am, so my slight improvements are for a loss in regards to the rest of the area that I'm living in.

This shit is exhausting.
Complaining is exhausting too. Although, it seems that that's been all I do lately. How LAME.

mood change starrrrrts: NOW!
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Time:03:22 am
I'm up at 3am for three reasons. Mainly.

1) I'm not exhausted from anything. I don't work two jobs (and being a badass sometimes counts as another one) and I haven't really left the home base. Even if I did leave the home base, it's only been to hang out with someone, and only because they could offer me a ride. The shitty weather and hardcore rain weren't all that appealing today.

2) I'm sober. Soberish, anyway.

3) I drank coffee. I forgot.
The third one was originally going to be because I have a TV. I always had one, but was using it for DVDs since i never paid for cable in oakland. But now that I'm at home, and have an HDTV and digital cable and DVR I've got all these fun things to melt my mind with.

but to be completely honest...Collapse )
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Time:08:25 pm
So, I'm home in newark now.

Irritated, Stressed, because all I want to do is set up my bed and cuddle into a book, so I can maybe find something familiar about all of this. I disasemmbled my life in the past 5 days and I'm definitely a creature of habit. I'm totally not taking this easily. And plus, the life I was leading, although hiding some debt, was a really fucking good one. I interacted daily with most of the best people I know. Now I'm back with family, in the suburbs, and with the exception of the Bullard House Kids, I really don't have friends here.

It really doesn't help that I spent all day busting ass (and making my friends bust ass!) in moving all my shit. Madre made a huge deal about me being back at the house by January fourth, but when I moved my stuff in this afternoon, there was NO SPACE TO PUT IT ANYWHERE. And we're still in the process of moving shit from room to room. I didn't move everything I owned in 3 hours to come home to move my mom's shit out of her room so we can start from scratch and put things together.

It's just day one. It'll get better, right?

I just wanna schmokeabowl.
But after a conversation I had with this one kid I know, the preachy intonation of his typed words make me second guess my dependence on THC... So what the fuck do I do?
breathe, breathe, breathe.
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Time:01:36 am
Obligatory January 1, 2008 post,
Even though I'm an hour and 36 minutes late.


I was so drunk last night becuase it was not just NewYear'sEve, but the last day of probably the best job i've had thus far. Shared sheer drunkenness with coworker Seri who vomited multiple times throughout the evening, and Ta, a seasoned veteran who luckily held her shit together enough to take care of all my tabs and tables, and make sure I wasn't in trouble. The bartenders, the sweetest dogs I know, made it a point to not only hand me shots at every possible interval, but made sure Elisa (who we snuck in with the help of the other waitress&her clipboard, and the security guard) had full drinks all night. Shared spoken word, secret seductions, and nearly unending hugs with the coworkers as i left. And I still didn't have anyone to kiss at midnight. But that issue's being placed on the back burner, as I've got bigger fish to fry.

I get the feeling that this year is going to be full of growth. Or something.



Anyway, I made it through the inadvertent tradition of rereading January 1st journal entries on January 1st. I'm not trying to be cliche, but I just happen to keep all my journals, from 2000 til now, in the same area. And as I read them, as the words repeat themselves in my head, I'm immediately transferred back, almost reliving the moment. I don't know what it is that made me bring that up, but it's interesting. Because for every year that I add a new entry to the physical collection of my own history, I can touch base with all the other years prior.

I wish I could have gone to tahoe with the crew.
I wish I didn't pour so much damn heart and soul into that dinner party, too. The lack of some superspecial invitees makes it super easy to get butthurt.
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Time:07:22 pm
I've been blocked, unable to write meaningful entries since my pseudovacation in november. I thought a trip to the city and a broadened perspective would help, would allow the words to flow more freely, but they're as stuck as ever. It's not that I don't have anything to say, or that things aren't happening, it's actually quite the contrary. Maybe things are just too up in the air to grasp real perspectives on them, to put a typeface to what's going on.

2008 is going to hold a LOT of changes for me. Life-changing, Drastic ones. I mean, everyone changes. But I think this time they'll be more self-imposed. For the positive. and for the Future. I'm delving deeper into my thoughts on friendship, love, and spirituality and am pleasantly finding answers to questions i've been asking for years, and that in itself is pretty satisfying.


Christmas in a couple days. Merry Christmas, everyone.
I love you. !
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[icon] vikki
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